So say you've worked really hard on a project, sweated and worried over it, and finally presented it to a colleague or supervisor. She looks it over carefully and is ready to give you feedback. You wait with your heart in your throat, and she says, "It's a great first draft, but it still needs work."
Ouch. Probably not what you wanted to hear. In fact, as you walk back to your office, you might already be forgetting that it was a great first draft--that "but . . ." that came after may have drawn so much of your focus that you are now convinced you've failed, when in fact, you may be well on your way to success.
Now let's imaging the feedback you got was just very slightly altered: "It's a great first draft, and it still needs work." Does this land differently? I think it probably does. How about, "It's a great first draft, and with some more work, it will be exactly what we need?"
This is the power of 'and.' It can hold two potentially competing ideas together rather than creating an either/or situation. Your first draft can be great and still need some work, and the truth that it needs work doesn't negate that it's a good first effort. 'But,' on the other hand, is almost always demoralizing. It takes whatever initial positive information you are sharing and immediately takes some of that good feeling away.
One incredibly simple communication tool is to look at what you say and what you write, and see if you can change 'but' to 'and' while still getting your point across. I encourage you to give it a try.
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